9:24 AM – I continued sending out CVs. Life at 33 feels uncertain sometimes
Perhaps my age is making some companies hesitant to hire me. Honestly, I can understand that, but it also puts me under an enormous amount of pressure.
A Small Hope
I opened my email and found that a company had sent me an application form.
The salary is quite low, but the job can be done from home and they provide training from the beginning.
Well, I’ll apply and see what happens.
For now, I just need to get through this difficult period.
If I have to work far from home, after taking transportation and living expenses into account, I probably wouldn’t end up with much more anyway.
At least I have something to hope for and pursue. Maybe things aren’t as hopeless as they sometimes feel.
The Website Is Starting to Take Shape
I started taking care of the website again.
Yesterday, I added the Privacy Policy, Terms of Use, and Contact pages.
Suddenly, the website is starting to look like a real website.
I also spent some time customizing different parts of the Flatsome theme.
It’s still far from what I want, but at least it is slowly taking shape.
Two Days at Home
The past two days at home over the weekend didn’t make me particularly happy.
Still, I got to see my older daughter, and my wife and children seemed quite happy.
There was a strange feeling that everything was somehow unreal.
It felt as if I had suddenly appeared at home for a short time, and then I would leave again, while everything else simply continued as normal.
Monday passed quietly.
I didn’t really feel like writing about anything.
It was the same frustrating loop:
Taking my daughter to school.
Sending out CVs.
Sitting around worrying.
Getting distracted by my phone from time to time.
I even spent an entire evening reading stories.
Perhaps I need to change myself more.
I need to spend more time doing things that actually mean something.
Thinking About Ten Years From Now
I started imagining what my life might look like ten years from now.
The first thing I thought about was this website.
I want to become a professional blogger and make a living by writing my daily journal.
I will keep maintaining the website, earn some money from advertising, and hopefully cover my living expenses.
Who knows? If things go well, perhaps I could even save a little for the future.
I also want to start a small Blender film studio, making short videos and films.
I don’t really know why, but I’ve always wanted to do this.
It feels like a hobby I have been putting off for years without ever really starting.
But if I start seriously now, I think that ten years from now, I could comfortably make a simple animated film with Blender.
Learning Languages
I want to learn more foreign languages too — English and Chinese.
It sounds a little crazy, considering that I started this website without being fluent in English.
But I also think Chinese will be useful.
I would really like to visit China someday.
Taking Better Care of Myself
Oh, and I need to walk more.
At this point in my life, I have started to feel that my body isn’t as strong as it was when I was under 30.
Some signs that something isn’t quite right have started to appear.
I’ve been trying to ignore them, but perhaps I need to take them more seriously and do something about it.
The Shurangama Mantra
I am also almost finished memorizing the Shurangama Mantra.
Over the past few days, because I’ve been feeling down, I’ve neglected my practice.
I am a Catholic, but for some reason, I have always felt that I need to master this mantra.
I have been learning it for more than three years, but I still haven’t been able to memorize it completely.
There always seems to be something getting in the way of finishing it.
But I’m getting close.
If I really focus, I think I can finally do it within the next week.
Returning to What I Once Learned
I also think I should return to the knowledge I have neglected for so long.
Civil engineering is a field that is very closely connected to everyday life.
I left it behind because I thought I would never stay in the profession.
But now, perhaps I need to seriously reconsider it.
I should start rebuilding my knowledge and work on a few small projects of my own.
Who knows?
Maybe one day I’ll need to design my own new house with my own hands.
Learning Go
I also want to start learning Go.
Right now, my level is only around 1 kyu on a 9×9 board.
I want to move to the 19×19 board and start studying seriously, with the goal of eventually reaching at least 1-dan amateur level.
Making Things and Selling Them
I also want to experiment with designing a few small products and selling them online.
It’s something I’ve missed out on for many years.
I hope that someday I can even open a small shop of my own.
Ten Years From Now
That already sounds like a lot.
These are ambitious goals.
Ten years from now, some of them will probably happen and some may not.
Perhaps circumstances will push me in a completely different direction.
But anyway, these are goals worth pursuing — things that I genuinely want to achieve.
I hope that someday, when I look back at these days, I will be able to smile.
I will start now and try to turn these things into a way of life.
To my future self, ten years from now: I hope you made it.
